After my recent break up I spent two or three days staring a..
🕑 Added 2021-10-23 02:41:59 +0000 UTC
After my recent break up I spent two or three days staring at the ceiling a lot. Waking up on my back, eyes open, lost in something beyond the walls above me deep within myself. Now, weeks later, when I look in a mirror I don't really recognize the woman staring back at me.
After those first few days I started to workout hard, legs might give out, can't take another breath, arms shaking to lift the last rep, hard. I needed to push myself to a place where I didn't have energy to think about who I am now. From the first BDSMLR post I made I was changing, I was changing before that... I've been recovering from trauma after trauma for years. After I left an emotionally and lightly physically abusive relationship before COVID the change accelerated . It was one of the hardest damn things I've ever had to do. It wasn't always abusive but at the end, as I picked it apart I could see the subtle signs. I've avoided talking about this because I didn't want anyone to think about the troupe that "damaged" women go into porn. Why are the women, the victims, damaged and we don't think of the men* that hurt them as the damaged ones?
Because that is how I have come to see it. My abusive ex was truly a good man, but he was damaged by a social conditioning that taught him that expressions of love were mixed with emotional abuse and violence. It was multigenerational and in talking with other men after it ended, I discovered it was pretty common. It was very hard to leave him, but I knew I couldn't change him. I thought I got out before real damage was done; I tried to start dating months later and realized despite my strength, my growth and my reliance, my confidence was at a low it had never seen before. I vowed to stay single and work on myself. Months pass and lockdown starts.
When I started posting on BDSMLR I was confronting a side of my sexuality I was deeply uncomfortable with. I was split into two sides and they didn't know they could exist together. I can be a "good girl" and a "bad girl" too. It was fine to LOVE anal, in fact I celebrate it now :) it took a long time and lots of chats with people about tons of sexual kinks and experiences to feel comfortable expressing myself like this. I chatted with so many of you here and there. I recently got to a point where I get so many messages I can only answer them here.. I developed an amazing relationship, with someone very special to me. He helped me grow so much, but this next stage I need to do by myself.
I've been spotting (light period) for two months straight now, when I went to the doctor they told me it was likely due to stress because everything else was normal. I cried during sex last night, we weren't even fucking yet, but I apologized that I 'might be ble3ding, the doctor said it was likely due to stress.' The word "stress" hit my body like a car on the freeway. As it left my lips I could see it on the horizon, feet frozen in the middle of the road, speeding towards me, bam, gasping, tears started rolling. All the weight of all the trauma I have been carrying hit me.
I've been hitting the gym twice a day trying to clear my head and get in control of my body. Today I needed a cigarette to center myself enough to get through work; I only ever smoked at the end of my abusive relationship. You guys have not seen my room recently because I've barely seen the floor much myself. I am very comfortable with who I am now, but I am learning how to get my life together. I have a lot of things I need to work on and I made great progress this past week not posting or worrying about posting. I have a lot of goals related to porn, sexual liberation, unpacking gender and making sexual art that I want to accomplish, but I can't do it with my life barely hanging on. I need to take an actual break from here to get my shit together. I don't know what it will look like... I just know I am not in a place where I can make porn, I can't even even fuck without crying and I see this strong stranger staring back at me in the mirror. I don't know who she is, but I know who she wants to be.
*I want to acknowledge not all abusers are men, but for the sake of examining this through the lens of my situation, I kept this binary
