*trigger warning: sexual assault and abuse*
I had a nice rel..
🕑 Added 2021-10-03 06:58:20 +0000 UTC
*trigger warning: sexual assault and abuse*
I had a nice relaxing night watching Saturday night live. Maybe it was all the talk about R. Kelly that has my mind racing on these topics as my otherwise tired and sore body tries to go to sleep.
I was at a dinner party this week and I opened up to a few of my close friends that I had attended a sex party a few weeks ago. I kept it private from all of you at the time to help protect my identity. These friends also know that I’ve had various instances with assaults and I am constantly harassed and I wonder if they have jumped to the “hyper sexual” abuse survivor trope that many people do. I didn’t try to explain how it empowers me and now as I lay here in bed, I am.
When I was at the sex party a guy I had been talking to asked in a cute and corny way “how does it feel to just be a miracle?” he was referring to my curves. My answer was honest, “honestly it sucks, outside of this setting, it sucks” And it’s true. It’s true because of how the world treats me. I’m constantly sexualized when I’m just trying to exist and go about my day and it’s why I find power and comfort in being sexual. When I am being openly sexual I am in control and choosing to show this part of me. When I’m trying to workout and gym employees are harnessing me, sexualizing me, it sucks. When I’m in a store and an employee comments on my body and looks while looking me up and down in a way that makes my skin crawl, it sucks. When you want to wear an outfit and have to think if it might draw too much attention, it sucks. When I wear baggy pants and men on the street comment, “what are you hiding under there”, it sucks. When I want to not wear a bra and a man on the bus is starring at my nipples so hard his heads tilted and I wave and say “Hi!” With a wtf face, muttering “weirdo” under my breath, visibly happy when he leaves me alone and then he follows me on my transfer and sits near me, starring, it REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. ‘Is he going to hurt me because I called him out, can I take him if does?’ (All of that has happened)
So when I make porn, when I wear lingerie to a party where people ask before even touching you and where I fuck openly. I am liberated because I finally own my body and get to experience the pleasure it can bring and give to others. Some of you have been hesitant to send messages about how you get off to me. I do this because I love to bring people pleasure, so please never feel shy to talk to me about those things, I love an open discussion about it and when I enter these online spaces I am in the mindset that it is usually what people come here for! So I am ready for that and happy to engage :) Some days, unfortunately a lot frequently, I haven’t entered this space because I needed to take some time to heal from the unfortunately long list of sexual mis justices that have happened to me.
A lot of people question why women wait to com forward and I found this article that has a lot of psychologists responses to what people say when a woman does come forward and they’re unsure of her story. Although I haven’t pursued any legal action against anyone, I talk casually about some of the things that have happened to me in my daily life. I do it because speaking of it doesn’t make me feel guilty, dirty or blame myself. I found before I ever said anything, when I kept it all inside, I had so much shame and self blame. But because I have opened up about it, I’ve experienced all the reactions that survivors that come forward publicly face, but only on a small scale..
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2018/09/18/us/kavanaugh-christine-blasey-ford.amp.html
