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hi. dunno what to say rn & don't want to be boring, but yeah..
🕑 Added 2022-05-12 16:34:51 +0000 UTC hi. dunno what to say rn & don't want to be boring, but yeah. i'm boring right now. what i desire most is the darkness of the night & the comfort of my bed. to stare at the ceiling, dimly lit by sparkling string lights while listening to music brings me the calmest sense of peace. btw i just discovered this amazing punk band called prince daddy & the hyena, and i've been listening to their whole discography on repeat. i've also picked up a book to read, a mental health guide written by one of my favorite youtubers. i haven't actually read a book in many years, but dan howell (aka danisnotonfire) was one of my icons during my teenage years. he has been a lot less active due to his own mental struggles, but what he shared in his latest video really resonated with me. it's an hour and a half of him just talking about his experiences throughout his youtube career and what he had been up to for the past couple years. at first, i just let it play as background noise while i mindlessly stared at my phone because my tiny, shrunken pea brain requires some sort of audible stimulation during my app rotations. once he detailed his burnout phase, my ears perked up & tuned into every single word he had to say. the constant creative work flow, being your own model/talent, camera person, lighting director, editor, manager, and promoter all in one, the lack of separation between home & work, and the risk of falling off the second i take a breather. i felt that. i've been going through smaller burnout phases this past year, and at times, i still worked through them. some of my best videos were filmed when i barely had the energy to pull myself out of bed. when all i wanted to do was disappear into a blackhole of blankness. right now, i am blank again. there is no creativity or energy to fuel me anymore. the difference this time is i'm not beating myself up over it. i used to feel so bad for not creating as much content as my body could handle, so i could please as many people as possible while trying to make as much money as i could. now, i feel nothing. there is no happiness, no sadness, no disappointment, not even excitement for the 2 tattoos & huge festival happening this month. i just want to be a blob of nothing, listening to music all night in the dark. i really wish nighttime would last forever. my first summer being depressed as a te3n was spent staying up by myself all night and sleeping during daylight hours. i did it to escape everyone and everything, and this has become my default now in my adult years. there are times where i hate myself for not functioning normally and wasting the day away, but i am now being thrown back to the calm, isolated peace i felt back then. i'll be indulging in the dark humor of dan's book instead of the depressing jokes of his youtube videos, and maybe this will help me. i want to do a shoot in a cute white bear lingerie look before i head to vegas for edc next week, but wanting to do something is much different than actually accomplishing the task. no idea when my next ppv will be, but i guess we'll see. if you wish to leave due to my slowed down production, i will not hold that against you. i think i will be pretty slow for the next coming weeks, but i plan to do a fat sale on my monthly sub fee for returning & new subs once i feel like i can pump out content like i used to. alright, it's morning now & the darkness is no longer providing its blanket of comfort for me, so this is my cue to go to sleep. good night.
