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Todays thoughts : I have been thinking a lot about how diff..
🕑 Added 2023-02-13 19:40:09 +0000 UTC Todays thoughts : I have been thinking a lot about how different life is now. How being a parent and stepping into motherhood feels like an entirely different life. I feel like its a different timeline, but ive also never felt more comfortable or at home in the life im living. I always thought i could only have my job (streaming) living a single life. Really just worrying about myself, not being selfish but just not being in a relationship or having a family. Then i got in an open accepting relationship that allowed me to still have my job and work the same as i had been. And now, ive made a family and I still have this job. Streaming has always lit up my soul in such a special way. Sharing myself sexually and making genuine connections with you all is literally my favorite thing and feels like such a huge part of who i am. And now adding motherhood into that mix, I always thought i had to pick one or the other. But i think i may be able to have my cake and eat it too. I think i can have both. I think if i let myself, i just might be the most happy I've ever been. Anxiety set aside, if i can work through that and let myself appreciate everything as it is, i literally have all the things my soul has craved my entire existence. I spend a lot of time thinking "things csnt possibly be this good". Ive thought it about stream frequently, life, relationships, all of it. Im not sure if i dont think i deserve it or if i think im unlucky, or that it stems from some kind of trauma. But im always waiting for "the thing thatll ruin it all" to come. And if i shove that anxiety aside, if i let myself be happy i really think this will be, and actually currently is, the most happy ive been. And im so excited to share the contentedness with you guys. The thing giving me comfort today, is that i feel like a more confident comfortable version of myself. But i still frequently think back to my old self and miss pieces of her. Mostly physical. But the thing that makes me comfortable today is that my small human only knows me now. They didnt know the "before becoming a mom" me. They know me now. And they think im perfect the way i am. Even if i havent had a chance to brush my teeth today, and havent washed my hair in a few days, and have more stretch marks then before. He smiles at me like im the sun. And i think hes the dang sun. And if that give and take relationship can exist, then how could we not be perfect the way we are right now? I feel that its just so grounding to think that most small children dont see their parents flaws, and they think youre quite literally perfect how you are in this moment. I think its the lack of judgement that grounds me and brings me comfort. We learn judgement, its not innate. Were not born with it. So hopefully self judgement is something i can unlearn as well, i hope you guys can too. Even if you dont have a small human helping you ground yourself, just know there are people outside of you who think you are absolutely perfect the way you are. So why should you not feel that way about yourself? Take a second to appreciate yourself today, to appreciate where you are in this moment. And try to let yourself be happy for a bit. I promise you deserve it ❤️
